How do you talk to your child about their surrogacy experience?

Talking to a child about surrogacy can feel like a huge and difficult task. However, being open about it with your children can turn out to be incredibly rewarding for everyone.

Despite the daunting nature of explaining surrogacy to a child, it is often easier than explaining it to adults. Children are usually more accepting of different family dynamics and family relationships. Here are some tips that can come in handy when describing this beautiful gift to a gestational carrier’s children and children who were born from surrogacy.

Use terms that they experience in their own lives

Many surrogates tell their children that they are babysitting or nannying for the baby and when the baby is ready, the baby will go back to their parents, just like your own children come back to you after the babysitter. It may also be helpful to iterate to your children that you won’t ever be giving them to anybody, and that you aren’t really giving this baby “away.” You’re just returning it to the parents. Some surrogates find it helpful to also tell their children how wanted they were, how wonderful it was to have them, and how you feel so happy to help someone else experience that. These same principles apply to children who were born from a surrogate. – explaining how wanted and loved they are, and that they weren’t “given away.”

Let your child be part of the experience of surrogacy

We all feel more secure when we know what is happening next and how it will affect us; children often need that security amplified. Talking to your child frequently about the pregnancy and the intended parents, what happens when the baby comes, and what will happen to the baby is very important. Just as important is introducing your child to the baby and to the parents so that your young one has a sense of inclusion and closure with the process. Obviously, a child born through surrogacy will be a huge part of the journey, but not in a way they will remember. One thing intended parents can do to help their children know what happened throughout the journey is to keep a journal or a baby book of the pregnancy so they can look back on their story. (Surrogates, this can also make a great gift to your IPs after the birth – a photobook, memory book, or a journal you kept for them.) Because each intended parent/surrogate relationship is different, the level of contact after the birth will be different for each match. As intended parents explain to their children where they came from and the village it took to bring them into the world, some find it beneficial for their children to be able to put a face to the name of the person they’ve heard about. Having photos of the surrogate or having them meet in person or in a video chat can help them understand. Be clear that the surrogate isn’t their parent but a wonderful person who helped grow your family.

Use surrogacy as a way to talk about giving

Surrogates give the best gift to another family, and there is no better time to talk to your children about the value of helping others out when they are in need. You can even incorporate having your child give to a charity that helps out babies in need or couples facing infertility to emphasize the different ways that we can help out in our communities. Parents of children born via surrogacy can emphasize how much they were wanted and loved they are, and how grateful the parents are to have them.

Surrogacy is a window to understanding that families come in different shapes, sizes, and configurations

Cultivating acceptance and compassion for others is a lifelong pursuit, and children are so willing to practice it. Talking to them about the different kinds of families that can’t have children on their own can help your own child understand our diverse and beautiful world and help them feel compassion for others. For parents of children born from surrogacy, knowing that all families are complex and come about in various ways can help mitigate any feelings of being “different.”

There are some great books out there that can help explain surrogacy to children, whether they are the surrogate’s children or if the child was born through surrogacy. So go forth and openly share with your little ones! The experience is not only rewarding for the surrogate and the intended parents, but it can be incredibly rewarding and world-expanding for the little ones involved, too.

Do you want more information about being a surrogate and all it entails? Fill out our short intake form. Interested in becoming an intended parent or simply want to understand more about the process? Make a free phone consultation appointment with our team.