How Surrogacy Impacted My Children
Surrogacy is a huge decision that affects the entire family. Since surrogates are required to have given birth to at least one child that they are raising, they often wonder how their own child(ren) will be affected by a surrogate journey. This is a valid concern since they will obviously know you are pregnant and may have questions. Of course, you can research and ask our team questions or bring up any concerns you may have. Remember that surrogacy can be a wonderful opportunity to teach your child(ren) to help others and to help them understand that there is more than one way to have a family.
When I started my journey in 2020, my daughters were seven and one. We tried to explain to our youngest what we were doing, but she didn’t understand it at the time. This is an ongoing conversation even now that the baby has been born because we don’t want her to wonder about the baby I carried that didn’t come home with us.
The opportunity to talk to our seven-year-old about the possibility presented itself one night when she was holding her baby sister. She said, "My life is seriously like, 10 times better now that she's here!" We had an age-appropriate conversation about how we would want someone to help us have her sister if we needed help. Then I asked her what she would think about me helping someone else have a baby. She said, "You would be like, SO cool!" I told her that it was just an idea at that point but that it might happen. We revisited that conversation when we knew it was happening, and she was still on board even knowing that the baby wouldn't be her sibling. Of course, she had a few questions at the beginning and throughout the journey, but she was happy to help another family have a baby. I think it helped that she was old enough to remember her sister’s birth and how much she loved becoming a sister. Coincidentally, our IPs already had a child, so my daughter was excited that this journey would help another child have a sibling.
There are several children’s books that address the topic of surrogacy and can help you start this conversation with your child(ren). We bought some children's books about surrogacy and read them together. I wanted to be factual but age-appropriate, and I plan to keep reading the books together, so they grow up knowing about the process and what our family did to help another family. It's important to me that they know they played an important part in everything. My youngest daughter may have been too young to understand what was happening at the time, but someday she'll realize that I was pregnant but that she didn't have a younger sibling. I figure if we talk about it, there won’t be any confusion or discomfort around the subject.
As far as their reaction to the pregnancy and the birth, they were surprisingly nonchalant. My oldest liked to feel the kicks, but it wasn’t the same as when she felt her younger sister kick. I think it’s because she knew it wasn’t our baby. Although we were limited in our contact with the intended parents and their son due to COVID-19 social distancing guidelines and having essential workers in their household and ours, we were able to get together a couple of times during the pregnancy. They invited us to go to the zoo, and the kids got to play while we all chatted and spent time together. It felt like a regular playdate with friends (who just so happened to have their child in my belly), and we all had a great time!
On the day of the birth, I took my oldest to school and let her know that there was a chance that the doctor would send me to the hospital to have the baby that day. She was worried about the hospitalization part and not seeing me for a few days but didn’t seem to be worried that I wasn’t bringing a baby home. When the doctor sent me to the hospital that day, I made a call to my husband and was able to talk to her. She was completely fine, especially knowing that the baby’s mom and my mom would be with me. Throughout the pregnancy, my youngest heard us talking about this hypothetical baby but didn’t understand the concept of pregnancy or where this supposed baby was. As far as she knows, my belly got big, I went to the doctor, stayed away for a couple of days, then spent a lot of time at home with her.
When the baby was about six weeks old, the baby’s mom and I arranged a playdate at the park. Both girls got to meet her and thought she was just the cutest thing ever. They both enjoy the photo updates that the intended mother sends. I recently overheard my daughter casually mention my surrogacy journey to her friend. I was impressed with the explanation she gave that I had a baby for someone else but that it wasn’t her sister. I hope that incorporating surrogacy into our everyday conversations will reinforce its normalcy of it and help broaden people's understanding of the various ways to build a family.