Top 10 Questions Partners of Surrogates Ask
The surrogacy journey is so exciting and rewarding, and it also requires teamwork. Go Team B-A-B-Y! As the partner of a surrogate, you will be on this journey right along with her and you will probably have many questions. We’ve listed some here that we hear most often, and there are many more. There are no dumb questions, so feel free to ask your Case and/or Match Manager anything and everything!
1. Can we still have sex?
During the time surrounding the embryo transfer, it is very important to abstain from having sex. This time period will be outlined by the medical staff at the fertility clinic, and will also be in your contract. Once your pregnancy is confirmed, and you are cleared to have sex, you’re good to go!
2. Will our health insurance cover this, and will we have out of pocket medical costs?
This depends on your health insurance plan. Some plans cover surrogacy, but many do not. If yours doesn’t cover surrogacy, intended parents have some options on how to get you insurance (through the Affordable Care Act sometimes, or through a company like ART Risk). This would be at the expense of the intended parents.
3. Will we be able to have more of our own children in the future?
We encourage candidates to consider surrogacy once their family is complete, because of the risks involved with any pregnancy (a surrogacy pregnancy is no more risky than your own pregnancy). However, if all goes smoothly as planned, there’s no reason why you wouldn’t be able to have children in the future.
4. How involved will I be in the process?
You are an integral part of the surrogacy journey! Your support for your spouse is essential, so if you have any concerns about the process, please let your Case Manager know. In terms of logistics, you will attend the psychological screening before your spouse is cleared as a candidate, and you are strongly encouraged to attend the in-person interview with the Case Manager before clearance. You will also be signing the Gestational Carrier Agreement between the intended parents and your surrogate partner. Finally, you’ll be the one at home with your spouse when she’s getting ready for transfer and when she’s pregnant – it’s exciting and fun, but definitely affects your whole family.
5. Can she continue to work throughout her pregnancy and what happens if she can’t?
Yes, your spouse may continue to work during the pregnancy, although there may be restrictions or modifications to her duties if the RE or OB recommends them. If she is placed on bed rest by her OB, your intended parents may be responsible for lost wages depending on how your contract is written.
6. What do we tell our children?
That’s a very personal decision and depends on the age of the children. I’ve heard a surrogate with very young children tell them “We are carrying this baby for his mommy, because her tummy is broken.” That made sense to them and was enough information. When children are older, you may want to explain a bit about infertility to them, and tell them how much the intended parents appreciate your family’s help in creating their own family. It’s a great lesson in selflessness and service for a surrogate mother’s family.
7. What if we become attached to the baby?
Many surrogates and their spouses have happily shared their thoughts on this. All parties are aware prior to starting the process that this is the child of the intended parents. It is not biologically related to the surrogate, which creates a more clear cut “extreme babysitting” situation. There is definitely a connection to the life growing inside you, but it’s very different than carrying your own child. You are preparing to give the most precious gift ever.
8. Will we be involved in the baby’s life after the pregnancy?
This is something that is negotiated prior to signing the gestational carrier agreement and varies greatly. Some surrogates/IPs prefer substantial contact after the birth, while others choose to exchange holiday cards and photos on birthdays. It’s a really important thing to discuss with your IPs before you sign the contract!
9. What if something happens to her during the pregnancy?
The intended parents are required to take out a life insurance policy in the amount of at least $500,000. It would be a very rare and tragic situation for a surrogate to lose her life during pregnancy or delivery (as we noted before, a surrogacy pregnancy is not any more risky than a biological pregnancy), but having this type of insurance policy ensures that the surrogate’s family will not incur financial hardship due to her decision to be a gestational carrier.
10. Can I be in the delivery room with her? Who else will be there?
You are absolutely welcome in the delivery room to be part of the best and most beautiful part of the journey: witnessing the birth of a new family! The IPs may want to be in the room, too, and may request a photographer or other birth support. This will also be specifically stated in your contract with the IPs.
As the partner to a surrogate, you are so important to the surrogacy journey. Your questions and your feelings about the process are critical, so ask away! If you’d like more information about your spouse’s interest in becoming a surrogate, please contact us at
Photo by William Stitt on Unsplash